Manuel Schamberger with text by Helena Goddard

emmae and I giggled as we deepened connection watching the light fall through her bedroom window. Our conversation ambled from sun-blistered childhood vignettes in Miami, across high speed New York guest lists and eventually into our warmest hearts along every canal in Berlin. emmae let me inside her mind and history, ensuring that the fastening of our friendship could be felt through every line she expressed about her most exposed and honest song to date: Sounds of Sorrow.

I am hyped to be sitting on the sofa with you in your apartment this afternoon and can’t wait to explore your history as a human and as an artist. It’s super nice to be able to have a real- time face to face interview, especially in these times. We both love to talk a lot so I feel really ready for this and hope you do too.

Your artist name is emmae, where did that come from?

For years, I was struggling to find an artist name and I never connected with my full name, Emily. My dad’s mum was called Ada-Mae and she died when I was five but I have been told my whole life that I remind family members of her. I try to carry her spirit with me every day and honour my roots. It made sense for me to bring in this part of my history and uphold it each time I create and perform.

I want to know what the first piece/s of music you remember hearing and connecting to was?

I remember...I was about 5 or 6...at some after school program. It was Dancing Queen by ABBA and I remember thinking ‘whoa, that sound is crazy.’ I also remember singing I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston at karaoke events and parties as a kid.

Do you remember the first song you wrote?

Yes, I was 13 or 14. I was in a Taylor Swift phase...her honesty really inspired me at a young age. My register is low but I used to try and push my voice super high when I first started to sing and write. But the song was probably some bullshit about a boy I had a crush on. I remember writing it and having the feeling that I was doing something I really enjoyed. This was also around the same time that I was having really difficult period with my family, and I remember going to see the Jonas Brothers perform...in hindsight, it could have been any band in the world but it was that night on March 7th 2008 when the lights went down that I knew I had to be involved in music. Something about it just really inspired me to develop my artistry and to sit down with the guitar as a tool for writing.

Did you teach yourself the guitar ?

Youtube. I had maybe a couple of lessons but that’s not the way I like to learn. I’m too impatient... so I would print out sheets of guitar tabs of songs I liked so I could cover them. I still think I’m a shitty guitar player, I mostly just use it to write so that my words and melody can be realised simultaneously. When I’m in the space to write, songs will come out in like, 20 minutes, it’s a super fast process. It feels very natural, but performing my own music on stage didn’t feel comfortable for a while. I remember my first open mic night age 16 absolutely shitting myself.

What did you perform ?

It was obviously Fearless by Taylor Swift. I was strumming incredibly loudly and I’m pretty sure I shouted out the Jonas Brothers about six times.

I love that ! Such a young, teenage image I have of you at school in Miami. What was happening there when you were growing up ?

My early childhood was super active, I remember spending the majority of my time outside. Miami can be really beautiful and full of sunshine. So I have extremely happy and warm memories of being a child. But there’s the other, darker side to Miami that is littered with drinking a lot and using fake IDs...being total degenerates. I am grateful I’m from there but I’m so happy I left. I never truly felt like myself while I was there. I always had a feeling that there was more out there... and that I could have more, which is why I went to New York.

I feel you. So, you moved to New York when you were 19, is that right ?

Yeah. It had been a lifelong dream, and I finally managed to convince my dad to let me go. It took a while because I was a shit student and it always seemed to him that I didn’t care about anything. But I knew that, if I was going to become the woman I knew I could be, I had to move to New York.

Why ? What was it about that place ?

It felt like the pace, the energy, everything that was going on there would fit my personality in such a specific way. I hate the mentality of ‘The American Dream’ and this obsessive idea of ‘making it’, but that is kind of what it symbolised for me for a long time...I think it does for a lot of people.

Did you arrive with a plan ?

I was at a theatre school but it was completely not my vibe. I knew I had to somehow get into the music industry and I have always been very resourceful and persistent. I responded to an ad on Craigslist for an unpaid music blogger and they ended up hiring me. I spent the whole time travelling around the city, writing reviews and checking out new bands. It was at one of these events that I met my former boss from Vice in 2013. I stayed with them for nearly three years and was able to start realising my dream, working with these people from a world I had so admired. I am still pretty connected to the people I met while I was there. After that, I hosted at Soho House, which is what ultimately led me to where I am now in Berlin.

And now you’ve been here now for nearly five years ! I feel like there’s something in this city which inspires openness and honesty in creative connections and that was something that definitely drew us together instantly. We’re both big believers in the importance of mental health and of there being some kind of medicinal or remedial quality in creation...so I wonder how your musical outlet supports this atonement with yourself and allows you to explore difficult parts of yourself and your history ?

It’s interesting because, when I’m really depressed I can’t write at all...I can’t sing. It’s like I’m physically blocked. I become totally numb and it’s an extreme, physical inertia. So, for this reason, I’m more of a hindsight writer...coming from a place of reflection. The song that is out today, Sounds of Sorrow, is really emblematic of that process as I had been trying to write about my family for years and years but it has taken such a long time of processing through songwriting to get to this point of release. I started to write it in Miami, as I always feel super connected to my family and past traumas just from the physicality of being there; it’s harder to escape. I don’t have that so much while I’m in Berlin. This isn’t to say that I haven’t found it difficult or intense being here. My first big depression came in 2018 when I had just left my job in management and had sort of announced myself as an artist. I was so overwhelmed, as I was receiving state support from the German government and so had all of this time to write and create but was at a point where I couldn’t even get out of bed. I had to leave for Miami eventually just to work out how to come back to myself, and figure out if I could get medical help. It was a long and scary process, working out how to navigate this new world of medication and vulnerability and being okay with feeling really not okay. It has lent me a huge amount of compassion and I am so grateful for all of the support that I have had and continue to have. My friends are crucial to my life and the connection I have with my friends is something that keeps me feeling grounded.

Yeah, your friends are such an important part of your life and work.

For sure, because I ran away from my family as the dynamic was fucked up and I needed to get away from that. So, my friends are this created family I have.

I think it’s also really present in your work. On Flossin (which came out last year) you had this huge team of friends working on the project which turned into a pretty huge collaborative production. Sounds of Sorrow was also created with friends; we had a super intimate team on the video shoot which served to enhance the connection of the song through the visuals. It shows such a duality of character when you look at / listen to both tracks.

Yeah, I feel like the Flossin -era is my alter ego.

Did you feel like you were playing a part?

Yeah, definitely. I look back and have a bit of a cringe moment. I am also so compassionate to who I was because that was such a crazy time. I raised something like 6000 euros on Kickstarter, I was hustling every day and was so excited but had this driving force of needing to show my commitment to myself as an artist in a really professional way. I was surrounded by such incredible, diverse talent and so I knew I had to stand out as an artist in my own right while in this landscape. Now, I don’t feel like I have to be so extra performative or have to prove anything. My biggest passion is connecting with people and I now feel able to just enjoy making the music and manifesting this connection through what I do.

It seems like to had to have this almost theatrical debut in a way in order that you could go on to create something like Sounds of Sorrow, kind of like a rebirth.

I would definitely call it a rebirth, yeah. I had written Flossin in New York and it was the first time I felt I could finally be and feel like an artist, a musician, but this song, Sounds of Sorrow, is a way to show another side of me. It feels more relevant to my reasons for making music in the first place. I hope it can help even just one person to feel understood.

How does it feel being so vulnerable with this piece of music?

It feels really good, my goal is really to try to be as vulnerable as is possible. It’s taken years of work to get to this point and feel able to speak publicly about these parts of myself. I also think being here in Berlin has really helped me to live more slowly, more in the moment and connect way more.

Yes, it’s easier to gain authentic connections and create work that feels a little more human here. The projects are much more organic and intimate...even when we were on the set for Sounds of Sorrow, it was so professional in many ways but also just felt like a bunch of friends hanging out together and making shit.

It was beautiful and we managed to create a whole story around this incredible countryside set. We had a few crazy moments...I had to ride a moped for one shot in the film and we decided I would wear your glasses for it but the prescription is way stronger than I realised. It ended up with me careering towards oncoming traffic super fast and I had to jump through the air off the bike because it just wouldn’t stop. It was insane, the director’s mum was driving the car, he was sitting on the back of the car trying to film, we had like five people running around and a dog and everything. I was wearing a floor length silk dress and huge fur coat so it really added to the drama.

It was a beautiful day and we also had some really still moments when everything just came together. It’s been a long process, though, from the moment you conceived the song on a rooftop in Miami until now creating the video on a farm in Germany...does it feel that they’re both connected? Or that there has been an evolution with the journey of the song as you yourself have also grown?

I feel that they’re somewhat connected, yeah. It’s my favourite song I have ever written and I really get into a headspace of ruminating and feeling past emotions. This is explored really well in the video as I am sitting in this confined caravan and kind of losing my mind, escaping, fleeing as well. It’s a moment of coming to accept myself as I speak to my inner little girl...but there is a huge contrast between the creative spaces this song has been realised. I like to play with dualities a lot, so this feels like it makes a lot of sense.

I wonder what that little girl, or even the 14 year old you, would think of this song and your ability to express yourself in this relatively new way so publicly ?

I think...when I was 14 I was very volatile with my emotions. I would turn to music, and then later, weed just to chill me out. But that 14 year old would definitely feel proud of me today, she would look at me today and know that she’d always been this person, it just took a huge amount to get here. As a teenager, I didn’t want anyone to see me or see my pain whereas now I am the complete opposite. I have much more self-compassion than I used to.

I can see that, even in the last months. We’ve only known each other since the summer, but during this time I have seen you become even more open and authentic with yourself. It’s also in these months that I have seen you meet a person and fall in love with them and be

so totally organic in your arrival to your feelings that it has been really beautiful to watch. I say this also knowing that you couldn’t have done this six or seven months ago, so it’s incredible to be able meet you here. I wonder how it feels to you to be in this place and not feel like you are insane, but it’s just happening and you are there for it and for yourself?

It’s completely grounding. My journey with men has been lengthy and it has been interesting. I haven’t had anything serious in my entire life and I am used to these crazy things that really burn out super fast. With my current partner, it feels like it makes sense and it feels beautiful and it’s so grounding, I think that’s the most important word to describe how this feels. I have a team mate and I retain my freedom and strength and independence, which is super important to me as I have never wanted to depend on anyone. I am in a place where I have done the work on myself, I don’t want or need to give him the pain but I can just be held in that space.

You played me a song you wrote about him the other day, and I was wondering if he’s a great source of inspiration when you are creating work ?

Oh, for me, this is such an incredible place to be to write music. I feel extremely expressive and capable of connecting with myself and with the music. He’s not a musician, but we use our own art forms and passions to communicate which is really enjoyable. It’s not competitive so we are able to hold space for each other and learn from each other.

What other art forms help you to express yourself ?

I spend a lot of time taking photographs and also making paintings. Fashion is also a major part of my life...I think it’s creative expression in its purest form. It’s such an important tool for me and I really want to get into sewing and making suits.

What’s next for your projects ? Is there an album coming ?

Yes, I have recorded an album and we just need to get it mixed. I want to release a single every month from February with a music video. I have my own label, Boom Bitch, which enables me to retain my independence and run the show myself a little bit which is super important to me. I can see it becoming a platform for female artists of all disciplines; running events and shit like that. That’s the long term goal, but for now it’s just the album and the videos.

The women in your life are a huge source of support, inspiration and love. Which artists inspire you ?

I have a huge list and I want to cover all of these women pretty much. All of the old school jazz singers, like Etta James, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald. I have always loved Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse, Stevie Nicks... I am also so in love with Billie Eilish, her authenticity is incredible. I grew up listening to Missy Elliott, P!nk, Alicia Keys and Fergie. I love Arlo Parks as well...her song Black Dog is one of those ones I really wish I’d written. It’s beautiful, it’s a great song. I am so inspired by women, and my dad used to make such a point of introducing me to successful and powerful women from a young age. I carry that with me and want to uphold the women around me. I think it should be one of our greatest motivators, to support each other and help each other in this life, it’s hard enough anyway without us tearing each other down. My biggest inspiration and probably the biggest reason I do what I do is down to my sister, Amanda. She was born with a chromosomal deletion and couldn’t walk or talk her whole life but she taught me to appreciate the blessings in my life and to be grateful every day. She passed away five years ago and was my favourite person in the world. Now, I live my life for her...I feel like I have to live for both of us, so each day she is with me and motivating me to continue doing what I am doing. She motivates me to find the light in every situation and she managed to do that and to teach me so much without saying anything. I am so lucky to be here; to be alive and I remind myself that life is happening for me every day.

I feel you. The way that we digest the things that happen in our lives enables us to feel the most compassion and empathy for ourselves and for others if we welcome that. This has been beautiful, I love you and I am so grateful that we were able to take the time to do this together. There’s so much more I want to share and talk about but we have a million more projects and pieces we’re going to do together so there’s time for that.